The Pursuit of Perfection
by YearOfDreams
Summary: Silena's Forbidden Fruit: Self-Perfection. *...and self-perfection would forevermore remain far from reality.*


**AN: So. This fic is the product of boredom in Science and Math class. Hopefully I didn't repeat myself or ramble too much. I think some parts were way too random and I could use better flow, too. Anyway, this was beta'd by Kristina, otherwise known as koalakoala9836. So, a big thanks to her. Also, any kind of review would be appreciated; especially CC. PJO is not mine. **

**Silena's Forbidden Fruit: Self Perfection.**

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Even as a young girl, Silena Beauregard had always been insecure. The emotion was generally a part of her. It often consumed her mind, and when she got older filled it with insecure love. Love, she'd realized not nearly soon enough, was a two-way street. It was a mere cover that people used to distract themselves from the awful reality they believed to be, well, themselves. They used it to make themselves feel better, to cover up their own insecurity. Even though, in the long run of things, love and insecurity were a package deal. They fit together, molding into each other, causing one another. Insecurity, though, that was Silena's real problem. She'd never been happy with herself, even with Charles by her side**. **Insecurity- It took up a great amount of her as whole, and consumed her mind.

Even during the Septembers as a child when she would visit the beach with her father and step-brother; when wonderful, straightforward, simple songs layered her thoughts with calm and serenity. She was still insecure. _Always_.

She would push her feet into the sand, letting the tiny grains tickle her toes as they danced in sync with the wind. The sounds of the ocean crashing against the soft, sandy floor in its endless tirade soothed her. The salty smell of the air would always make her scrunch her nose disdainfully.

And all of it . . . it was just like life. Like what she was used to.

Looking up at the stars on a fresh airy night, with her father by her side.

It was those rare, peaceful visits to the beach as a child that conveyed the only times she truly felt content. It was all just a cover though, to her true self.

You see, Silena was very spoiled as a young child. Her step-mother was an entrepreneur, and often showered her with unnecesary things. But no matter how much Silena got, no matter how fortunate she was, the young girl had always wanted, _needed, _more.

A new wardrobe, a new room, a laptop, and a man's firm shoulder to cry on when she got older. Silena wanted it all.

She hadn't cared that her mother wasn't there in her early years. She'd been too young to understand; to know that her mother hadn't cared, let alone the fact that she had one in the first place.

All she really cared about was being happy and flawless. Just for everything to be perfect in her mind. The most important things were far too set in stone, and little things were all she paid attention to.

Even when she arrived at Camp Half-blood, and finally realized that ADHD and dyslexia were perfectly normal for someone like her, she remained insecure. Being the head of Cabin 10, making more friends . . . it barely managed to feed her mind any happiness at all. She knew people thought she was nice, there. She was, in fact. But she also knew how much of a neat freak campers such as Percy considered her, what with her constantly giving him low scores on his cabin checks based on neatness.

It had never been her fault he was an untidy, messy slob.

Silena also knew how horrible of a fighter she was. All those nights spent staring at the ceiling, thinking she didn't do anyone any good at camp just proved even more how much was wrong with her, and how insecure she was.

Why? Because nothing worked itself out and nothing was perfect, and there was so much _wrong_. Her hair, make up . . . clothes! Even when some things were right, the wrongs would still outnumber them. Nothing worked.

Everyone had always thought of perfection as impossible, a silly dream. Silena disagreed, she knew that perfection had to be possible, somewhere, somehow. That was what Silena spent her time doing . . . pursuing perfection. Trying to fix herself. There was so much wrong with her, she knew. She needed more to be happy and perfect.

Silena considered herself a mere waste of space, nice or not. Nothing would ever make people see her perfection and run to her side, because she wasn't perfect. She wasn't worthy. She was scum.

Perhaps it was Silena's need to gain more self-confidence that convinced her to betray the world she'd grown up in: Camp Half-Blood. Perhaps she just wanted to come across a few people who believed in her, who truly and honestly appreciated her as a person. Other, of course, than Charles. And if it meant becoming a spy for Kronos, so be it. Maybe the reason Silena decided to change, to choose the side that was considered _bad_ to everyone else, was because she was in the heat of the moment. Or something of that sort. And all her insecurities and needs for perfection and pure happiness had piled up so high, that she was forced into thinking irrationally and working for Kronos.

And every morning, she put on Juicy or A & F, and lathered herself with more makeup.

But, of course, it did nothing, really. Imperfection still lurked, even after she'd tried her hardest to rid herself of it.

Charles wasn't even that good looking, or wonderful for the matter, but he was one guy who was willing to date her. And even if he wasn't the best, he was better than nothing as a boyfriend.

At least people would see her and all her flaws and think, '_Oh. She has a boyfriend.' _And think that she could always go above and beyond.

It was called a_ scene. _

So every time she smiles, laughs, or does anything for the matter, it's really _not _okay.

Not perfect.

Ever.

But when Charles died, the world fell apart. All the seams she'd worked so desperately on to sew herself up and make herself perfect throughout life came undone. No one would look at her anymore and know she had a boyfriend, because now she had a _dead_ boyfriend. No one would be faithfully by her side like Charles Beckendorf.

And, at the death of her boyfriend, Silena realized something. Something very important, in fact. Charles, she now knew, had actually helped her a lot more than she'd ever suspected. Now, with him gone, it was easy to see how much more awful things were. Charles had given her confidence, and she'd actually loved him. It just took his death for her to realize it. And now, he was gone, and she'd never had the chance to truly appreciate him. Insecurity was worse than ever, and the world was slowly unveiling itself and its reality right in front of her eyes.

Silena had to start all over.

Even after trying to move on . . . things were far from okay, and Silena was far from perfect.

Silena even tried to act almost okay, as if almost nothing was wrong, in-between the time of Charles death and her own, just for show.

But she was the opposite of happy.

Insecurity remained, as it always had.

And self-perfection would forever more remain far from reality.

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AN: I would have gotten this up sooner, but my laptop got a virus and all my editing was erased. So I re-did all my editing, but I don't think I did as good of a job as before. Once again thanks to Kristina for betaing. And, um, hopefully it made sense and I didn't too often repeat myself? CC would be greatly appreciated. I want to make this fic as well done as possible. -Liz


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